The Single Girls Of State: Kryptonite

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Last week I told a tale of desperation, and this week … won’t be any different! As an Aries woman, I am pretty bitter when it comes to matters of the heart. In the last year I have shut people down way before they had the chance to get on my nerves, which I have come to realize is a problem (and I’m working on it). During my first week back on dating apps, I tried to keep an open mind. I matched, I mingled, and I thought to myself, “hey, this isn’t too bad!” I was soon slapped back to reality. 

Clark is a military man who is a few years older. He is my type in every way — tall, smart and an asshole. But he has one major flaw . . . words. You see, a few months ago I matched with Clark on Hinge. I was impressed with his profile and we exchanged “heys”. A few days later it was “Halloweekend”, and I was out with my friends. The story goes, Velma, two lumberjacks and Harry Styles at the 2021 Grammy’s walk into a bar and make the mistake of sitting at the same table as Clark Kent… on a date. Harry nudged Velma, Velma laughed and whispered to the lumberjacks and a very intoxicated hot dog fell on the ground in front of us, and I never thought about it again. 

Two weeks ago, against all of my better judgment, I swiped right on Clark Kent, and we matched again. I honestly don’t know why I did it — actually I do. My kryptonite is handsome men. But I decided to really commit to the exchange this time. I asked him if he knew any superheroes to get the ball rolling. He was funny, and so I decided to give him my phone number (I was going old-school because he is 25). 

It was all downhill from this point on. Clark Kent went from charming to cringe-y in twenty minutes flat. As someone with a history of jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, I really tried to push through. I felt like I owed it to myself to give the guy a chance. The next day the conversation picked back up. It was mostly surface-level college introductions (year, major, etc), but then we somehow landed on the topic of what our plans were for next year. I told him I was planning on going abroad in the fall and how excited I was. What I was not as excited for was the text that followed.

Clark sent this: “ooo that’s exciting, where are you going” (good). But then immediately hit me with this:

“Fun fact that girl you saw me with, I ended things with her cause she went abroad lmao” (what?). Then this man, that I had been talking to for two days, let me know he “wasn’t a fan of long-distance”. At this point, we were past jumping ship. I was sprinting off the plank. 

Even as I write this a few weeks later, I am still astonished. Is dating and getting to know someone a dead concept? When, during our very brief conversation, did I give the impression I was looking to be in a long-term relationship, let alone a long-distance one? We had literally just started talking. I was looking to maybe get coffee and get to know each other, not go over the reasons you ended your last relationship and find out how I fell into that picture. I am not even going to try to analyze why he thought this was the thing to say.

While this interaction ranked high on my “worst guys I’ve talked to roster”, it did remind me that being alone isn’t the worst thing. Dating a guy who went as Clark Kent for Halloween . . . now that would be the worst thing. My advice to everyone this week is to look before you pick a table, know that nothing good ever comes from a “fun fact” text and to NEVER swipe right on a man who already gave you “the ick”. 

After telling my friends about this situation, I have been encouraged to be spontaneous (more old school). Ask and you shall receive. You never know when dropping a Post-it could help you out … but more on that next week. 

What’s the worst thing a match has ever said to you? Tweet us, @VALLEYmag, and let us know!


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