The Five Types of College Guys

While college marks a time in all of our lives where schedules work around naps and we experience a sense of freedom like never before, the amount of work we all undertake can make life on campus feel more like a zoo than a nursery. Men especially, can be sorted into very specific groups once they become comfortable in their own skin.

Welcome to college, a zoo with exhibits to the five types of college guys:

Frat Guy (Frattus Shotgunapabst)

Tending to flock in herds of four or more, the Frat Guy relies on his keen survival instincts to adapt to any environment. The alphas of each tribe—known as “bros”—are easily identifiable and can be differentiated by the Greek designation on their chests and the height of their white socks inside of their boat shoes.

During mating season, which typically spans from August to May, the fraternal prairies roar with the thumping of Avicci and a constant barrage of cans hitting metallic garbage containers.

With no natural predators, the Frat Guy will continue to roam the vast lands of University for millennia to come. I’ve seen these animals in their natural environment: gaggles of women marching in herds by the dozens just to share a night with a black light and a tank top that has a few Greek letters scrawled on it.

Free Bird (Carefreetus Dood)

Through several generations of mutations, the Free Bird has become desensitized to critique and insult. You can tell them that they are a walking—or napping—fashion faux pas, but they really won’t give it a second thought.

Keep an eye out for the several different variations of this species, ranging from the thin-legged Hipster in chino shorts to the Average Joe that dons his khaki cargos with utter disregard to the world.

While the Free Bird is often cited as being near the bottom of the food chain, the species remains unmoved by anything else that surrounds him, aside from of few of his favorite bands and the song that has been stuck in his head for the past three days: he really doesn’t care about society’s influences.

Gym Junkie (Pikthingsup Puttemdown)

Unlike most male species in college, the Gym Junkie tends to prefer the company of weights over his peers. To protect his reputation as being one of the strongest mammals in the animal kingdom, he deploys his camouflage while in the classroom and during his trips around campus until it is time to return to the gym where he can finally be spotted again.

These guys mean business: never missing leg day takes some serious commitment. For these mini-hulks, shirt sizes come in one size: Under Armour. Water fountains are replaced with protein shakes and their favorite song is the one that was on when they joined the 300 Club.

These aren’t guys that want to be in the best shape of their life: they are guys who get the best life because of their shape.

Scholarly Type (Livinna Librarium)

Spotting this creature can be difficult at times, since most Scholarly Types are elusive by nature. Once class ends, these guys will often return to their room to look at their syllabus or head over to the library for a quiet place to dive into next week’s homework.

The “nerd” of the animal kingdom, definitely, but probably the same “nerd” that will probably be living in the largest cave in the region after spending some of the earnings he made from his tech startup. When approaching the Scholarly Type, make sure that you are the one to make first contact: it is common that he is more afraid of you than you are of him.

Warning: It is easy for some of the other male mammals to become a Scholarly Type, but almost impossible to leave once they are in: that stigma stays for life.

Foreign Kid (Newta Americas)

A rarer breed of college guys, the Foreign Kid has traveled across the globe with little to no assimilation. In order to feel like he is home, he will surround himself with other Foreigners that have all travelled from the same place.

Many local animals will become envious of the foreign mammals for their seductive accents or their impeccable fashion sense, and rightfully so. The Foreign Kid stands out from the other males when he communicates, often speaking with a dialect unfamiliar to the creatures around him; whether or not it is to stop me from eavesdropping is still up for debate.

You can tell me how amazing it is “where I come from…” but I come from a town that has a house in the shape of a shoe. So take that Foreign Kid: I am totally not super jealous.

Personally, I am more of the Scholarly Type than anything else. As much as my circular glasses, chinos in every color of the rainbow, music nobody else has even heard of, or kitten-donned t-shirts should suggest that I am a Free Bird, my heart lies in academia and I only have eyes for the next page in my textbook (ok, not even I read the textbook). But I am just one man in the zoo full of mammals that is college, so I will live with the rest of the animals until the zookeeper hands me my diploma.

Photo by Shuyao Chen