You thought you hid your past. You thought posting countless Penn State tailgating pictures and sharing funny videos of cats and celebrities reading mean tweets would push all your old photos and statuses back so far on your Facebook that no one would ever see them. But you have clearly underestimated how committed your friends can be when it comes to embarrassing the sh*t out of you. “Bumping” old Facebook photos and statuses is quite possibly one of the funniest things you could do to your best friends and is one the most terrifying things that could happen to you. Bumping is taking over everyone’s newsfeed and if you haven’t already felt the pain of your friends stalking you beyond repair, let me fill you in on the stages of being “bumped.”
1. You sign on your Facebook and you see you have a bunch of notifications
“Yay!” You think. Facebook has been so boring lately I never get these many notifications I wonder what’s going on! Maybe I got a lot of likes on the selfie I just put up or maybe everyone loved that video I posted. OH! Or maybe there’s a Facebook fight? That would make sitting through math so much better right now.
2. You click on your notifications and (insert friend’s name here) has liked 17 of your photos.
At this point you’re not too sure how to feel about the situation anymore. The excitement you had about your notifications has faded and has been replaced with fear and terror. The idea that your friend could have bumped all of your old photos crosses your mind but you refuse to believe that they would inflict such social harm upon you. Would they do this? Really? Would they? You come to terms with yourself and realize…ugh, they totally freaking would.
3. And they did. You click through the pictures they have liked and each time you see one you die little inside
Pictures of you from 2008 are plastered over all of your friends’ newsfeeds. 8th grade field trip, Adam’s bar mitzvah, the endless amounts of bathroom selfies taken with your Envy or Razr. Peaces signs and duck faces. All of it. Everywhere. The horror.
4. More notifications pop up. (inserts friend’s name here) commented on 13 of your statuses.
“Whyyyy did I write that. What does that even mean? Did I seriously post that on social media?” You ask yourself these questions baffled by the fact that you unintentionally set yourself up for this years ago.
October 30, 2009: “Excitedddddd 🙂 im still dressed up as a guy :p” – Freshman Sam D.
September 15, 2010: “Time is a great teacher but it kills all it’s pupils”- Junior Patrick F.
November 21, 2009: “i think im going to go around liking everything tht has the words taylor, lautner, jacob, and SEXYYYYY in it ! ♥♥ =]” – Entertainment Editor Jenny Meyers
5. Everyone else joins the party
Sorority sisters, fraternity brothers, committee friends, organization friends, family member, high school friends, that kid you met at the bar last week, your second cousin twice removed, your dog’s Facebook that your little sister runs. Everyone starts liking and commenting on all of your old photos and statuses and you can do absolutely nothing to stop it. The cute boy from BiSci saw all the embarrassing photos of you from that one party back in high school (yikes) and your committee friends will quote your old statuses to you until you die.
6. Pay back is a b*tch
Now it’s your turn. There are no limits in this game. Pick your victim and attack.
The act of “bumping” people’s old posts on Facebook is a cruel practice that brings enjoyment and happiness to everyone not being victimized. So if you find yourself to be the subject of attack, push yourself through the stages of grief and make sure to get your much-deserved pay back.