It doesn’t matter if you’re a Schreyer’s student or, well, the complete opposite of that; freshman, senior, professor, local, or anything between. Penn State is a party school for a reason, and this is something that we can all attest to. If you can’t figure out whether or not your weekend outings were worth it, use this as a checklist. If you’ve encountered four out of these five people— give yourself a pat on the back! You’ve just had yourself a classic Penn State weekend.
1. Enthusiastic Bathroom Girl
So you’re at a frat party or the bar and about half an hour or so later, it happens: your bladder is letting you know it’s time to break the seal. You really, really don’t want to, but you grab your best friend by the wrist and pull her to the bathroom with you. Low and behold, there’s a line— of course— so you weigh your options: you can hold it and resume your spot on the dance floor, you can sneak into the guys bathroom (if you really have to), or you can just wait. Before you get the chance to decide, fate decides for you in the form of the girl who sat two seats down from you in Comm 260W! Instant conversation sparks; you talk about that time your teacher made a joke that was suuuper awkward, and you laugh, and you hug, and even take some snaps— but that’ll be it. I mean, really, you aren’t even friends on Facebook. The next morning you’ll have vague memories of that girl whose name you don’t even remember, but you’ll ponder over the friendship that could’ve been. *sigh*
2. Debaucherous Lighter Guy
This guy has been drinking since before his last class, but it’s 11:30 and you are, thankfully, nowhere near that sloppy yet. As you’re on your way to your destination, he’s stumbling down Beaver Ave, shirt unbuttoned, Sperry’s untied and covered in what you can only hope is water, shouting for a lighter. Your friend is generous enough to offer him hers, but upon accepting, he asks if you’re a freshman. Freshmen, don’t take this the wrong way, but that is just one question no one wants to be asked. When you muster up the most polite “no” you can, he’ll mumble some sort of an apology, use your lighter, and continue clumsily on his merry way.
3. Frat Guy Flock
I don’t even need to explain this one— you’ll just know. But if you’re really unsure, just keep your eyes peeled for the group of guys walking around in sports jerseys and loosely-laced Timberlands. Why? I don’t know, they don’t know, no one knows— just don’t ask questions.
4. Tear-Stricken Girl
This girl’s world is falling down around her, but it’s not because she’s drunk!— or so she says. She was either turned down by her designated conquest of the evening, or her roommate ditched her, or she lost her phone (which is a decent reason to be crying). But you’ll know it’s her when her mascara is half-way down her face and her friend is trying her absolute best to console her.
*s/o to that friend keeping the drama at a 2 rather than a 10.
5. Friendly Feeder
This is a rare one. In fact, coming across this one is the mark of a good night. Let’s call this person “John”. John is at a point in his evening where he’s starving, he himself does not know who he is, but he’s still coherent. He’s smiling ear-to-ear because he just snagged himself some delicious DP Dough on his way home, but you’re hungry and alone and this is something you can both bond over, so you slyly ask him to share his delicious snack. If you’re really lucky, you won’t even need to ask! He’ll gladly offer you his delicious midnight snack. Now that you’re smiling ear-to-ear, remember to be someone else’s friendly feeder; it’ll come back to ya!
Editors note: Valley Magazine neither supports nor condones irresponsible or underage drinking. Please consume alcoholic beverages and participate in weekend activities responsibly.