You know it was a good night when not only did the entrance to the show require a disclaimer sign for profanity and adult content, but your review of the event will probably need one of those, too.
But, as a courtesy to sensitive eyes and ears, we’ll skip over some of the more, how should we say, unladylike material from this past Saturday evening and get straight to crackin’ the code – Girl and Guy Code, that is.
This weekend, comedians Kevin Barnett of MTV’s Guy Code, and Nicole Byer and Alice Wetterlund of Girl Code payed Dear Old State a visit, laying down some seriously LOL-worthy #realtalk for the packed HUB Alumni Hall. Valley was there to get the scoop, and after drying our tears from laughing way too hard over things we probably shouldn’t think are funny, we decided to share some words of wisdom from our three new comedy spirit animals.
Homeless men are the new George Clooney.
“Y’all got any sexy homeless men around here?” asked Byer. “Never go to L.A. The homeless men are way too sexy. They’re failed actors who found meth and spend all day bending over trash cans, which is a major core workout, might I add.”
The reasoning here is oddly on-point.
“Santa can’t find you if you live alone.”
You can thank Alice Wetterlund for that cute reminder.
Sometimes life sucks.
“Life is really sh*tty, so I look at it like a half-empty glass of vodka and drink it,” said Byer.
This was after she pulled a piece of paper with McDonald’s advertising copy out of her wig (yes, wig.), but before she started talking dick pics. Like we said: Spirit Animal.
You deserve more than crappy macaroni and cheese.
As college students, we know we’re poor, but that doesn’t mean downtown institutions should take advantage of our skinny wallets.
The one thought going through Kevin Barnett’s mind after ordering mac’n’cheese at a local State College restaurant? “I make too much money for this.”
We wish we could say the same.
Guys might want a crazy girl, but no girl wants a crazy guy.
“‘I just met the craziest guy last night! I bet he’ll be great in bed!’ That’s not something you’re ever going to hear your best girlfriend say,” said Wetterlund. “In fact, you’re probably never going to hear from your friend again if that’s the case.”
And on that note…
Crazy cat ladies are not a thing because cats are kind of awesome.
Let’s talk facts: according to Wetterlund, a dog will wait five to seven days after its owner dies before it starts to eat the owner’s arms and legs, whereas cats will only wait about two before going straight for the face.
“They’re just two different animals – just because one isn’t going to eat your face right away doesn’t make one better than the other,” said Wutterlund. “Because, if you’re strictly a dog person and hate cats, let’s be honest: you’re being a little unreasonable.”
Tinder isn’t for everyone.
If you’re like Barnett, when in doubt, block them. No matter how hot they were, it’s not worth stressing over whether or not they’ll take your cleverly crafted pick-up line the wrong way.
“Online dating doesn’t work if you’re awesome,” said Barnett. “Now that I’m not talking to you on Tinder, I have all the time in the world to practice drawing Dragon Ball Z characters and eat pastrami sandwiches.”
Can we get an ‘Amen’?
Being single is literally the best diet plan.
“When you’re hungry, go to sleep,” said Byer to applause from the audience. “Then toss and turn dreaming about how single you are. You’ll burn even more calories that way.”
“Yeah, that one usually hits too close to home.”
Photo by Meghan Tranauskas