Let’s get real — being a woman is hard. From elaborate self-care routines in order to feel adequate enough to leave the house, to our other countless daily struggles, we don’t always have it easy.
However, there are also many perks that make up for it. The getting ready process before going out is its own spectacle, and we know how to plan the most aesthetic hangouts with the girls.
Thinking about our cutesy traditions and routines made me wonder: What would be the male versions of these activities? So today, dear readers, this writer is coming to you from the first person (for her very special and bittersweet last VALLEY article) so you can watch me guess the male equivalents to female-dominated terms.
Hot Girl Walk: Cool Boy Run
Ah, the hot girl walk. A classic term for a classy girlypop stroll. I love to go on walks when the weather is nice, especially during the early evenings when it’s still warm out. The beauty of the hot girl walk is that it can be any length you want, but you get bonus points if it’s longer — that way you know you’ve completed your exercise for the day.
This is not the case for men. A walk will not suffice for most guys, especially our jacked gym bros. If they are going to go outside instead of living at the gym for the next three hours, they have to go on a run. Enter the “cool boy run.”
Don’t believe me? Name the last time you saw a man walking simply for exercise and not just to go to class or the gym. I’ll wait.
Girl Dinner: Guy Grub
Oh girl dinner, how I love you. The name us girlies have given for a simple meal requiring little to no effort. My go-tos: Goodles (bonus points if it’s the truffle flavor) and good old-fashioned buttered noodles. Extra cheese required.
Other versions of girl dinner might include dino nuggies and mac and cheese, or the various half-eaten snacks and leftovers that have been laying around.
The other fact about girl dinner is that it’s a man’s worst nightmare. Why?
No. Protein. (shrieks in horror)
This is why a man’s “girl dinner” would be called “guy grub.” Enter man’s true best friend: protein. Guy grub includes chicken and rice with nothing else — bonus points if the chicken has absolutely no seasoning. Another popular choice is ground beef and rice, which some men refer to as the “doggy bowl.” The name speaks for itself.
And the other rule about guy grub: there is not a vegetable in sight. Who needs colorful foods anyway?
Everything Shower: Somewhat Effortful Wash
Personally, I love an everything shower. I have my good music playing and take a long, extra-hot shower. For those who may not be familiar with the everything shower, it’s when the girls complete an extensive routine — we thoroughly wash our hair, use every scrub we have in the shower and shave everything. You really feel like a new woman after it.
My guess for the male version of the everything shower: the somewhat effortful wash.
Simply put, during this routine, a man will use soaps that are not a three-in-one. (Crazy that those actually exist.) The shower may also be a tad longer than usual, maybe five minutes instead of two to three. Wash complete.
Wine Night: Beer With Bros
Wine night has become one of my favorite parts of college. A glass of sauvignon blanc or rosé in hand — always filled, of course — and spilling the tea with my girls until an ungodly hour. There’s truly nothing better.
Enter man. Wine is far too feminine for him and his fellow bros. The alternative? Beer. Men can hang out and chat while drinking alcohol they’ve convinced themselves tastes good because beer is a certified masculine beverage. Bro approved, if you will.
They may talk for a while, or they may also “hop on the game” while drinking, because most men must also be constantly entertained or engaged in some sort of activity.
And that is another reason why I am so happy to be a woman, because you will never, ever catch me enjoying a beer.
What other male equivalents can you think of? Let us know your thoughts on Instagram,@VALLEYmag!
**Disclaimer: This article is purely satire and is not intended to offend our male-identifying readers in any way. To those of you who say you don’t do these things, we totally believe you when you say you’re “not like the other boys.”
