You’ve heard it before or seen it scrolling through TikTok: the phrase, “If he wanted to, he would.” Large text over a video of someone handing over an elaborate basket of gifts or building an entire backyard patio makes us feel like our partner might not be doing enough. Queue the questioning and spiraling of your own relationship, situationship or whatever you might not be calling it. However, they also say, “Comparison is the thief of happiness.” So, the question becomes, which is more true?
It’s unfair, we know … but that’s why these phrases need to be compared. Your partner is most likely not a mind reader and quite literally might not know you need something in the relationship unless you tell them.
A Life Together
Blending a life with someone is never easy, and your wants or needs are not always simply known by your partner right from the start. And with time, your wants and needs evolve. The 10-second video you watched on a seemingly perfect relationship or the cute moment a couple shared at a bar downtown does not show the conversation before or any interactions after.
When you see a glimpse into people’s lives, you often see the positive parts, and the work and troubles leading up to that moment are hidden away. That’s why it is so easy to see something about a relationship and compare it to yours. It causes you to break your own apart until you become angry with your partner for doing (let’s be really honest here) nothing at all.
Of course, there are instances where a partner, simply put, is not a good partner. Whether it’s a toxic relationship or they are just not seeing you for you, sometimes a relationship is really not meant to work. As a college student, it’s hard to share a life with someone when you’re just starting to build your own.
When you see an “If he wanted to, he would” video and think to yourself, my partner would never do that for me … it might be time to rethink a few things. However, if you see that video and know your partner could do that, but just doesn’t, instead of comparing your relationship to the people in the video, ask yourself why aren’t they doing it now?
Sometimes You Just Need To Share
We don’t mean to side with men here, but sometimes they really just don’t know. A relationship only works if it goes both ways. If you want your partner to do something they aren’t doing right now, but refuse to tell them to do it, the honest truth is that you’re hurting your relationship just as much. In order for your partner to truly know what you want and need out of them, you must communicate that. After you tell them, and they still don’t do it, then (and only then) is when we’ll validate your anger.
As we said, though, a relationship goes both ways. Ask yourself, what are things my partner might want me to be doing for them that I don’t do? Could you bring them surprise gifts every once in a while? Is there something they’ve always wanted that you could make happen? These things don’t have to be anything crazy — nobody is asking you to make a brand-new backyard patio in your partner’s yard off of Pugh Street, but the details of a relationship count. If you are expecting them to move mountains for you, are you going to part the sea for them?
Your relationship is your own, and it’s important to first communicate internally rather than compare externally. Sure, you can scroll through relationship videos and use them for inspiration on how to improve your own relationship, but don’t use them as the blueprint. As we said, as much as you might think, your partner cannot always read your mind. Share your thoughts. Speak your needs. And after that, when he wants to (and he should want to after that) then he will.
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