Why Cyberstalking That Cute Boy On Facebook Will Never Be A Good Idea

Screen Shot 2014-03-04 at 11.31.02 AMRewind to syllabus week when you got your new classes and more importantly, your new classmates. You walk into English and immediately notice the boy sitting in front of you. Tousled hair reminiscent of Harry Styles, a Polo pullover, and a nice command of the English language—damn.

Fast-forward to present day, a couple of weeks into the new semester: you now know Hot English Class Boy’s name is Ryan. After talking, you realize you have mutual friends and are both from outside of Philly. So much in common! After class, you guys walk together in the same direction, parting ways when you turn to go do work at the Hub. He smiles says “See you in class on Friday.” *Swoon*

Once you’re in the Hub, you open your laptop with honest intentions. You mean to check Angel, but your fingers type facebook.com instead. Then your mind innocently wanders back to English Class Boy. You wonder if he has a Facebook profile. It wouldn’t be that difficult to find out… And just like that, you have found his profile in less than two minutes. Then after two more minutes of looking through it, you are left wondering why you even found him attractive in the first place.

Now every time you look at him in English class, all you can see is the boy that posted a shirtless mirror pic taken on his EnV Verizon cell phone in 2011, with the photo captioned “U know you’re at the top when only heaven’s right above it.” Granted, people change, but you can’t help but wonder if deep down he is still that person. And just like that, the magic is gone.

So ladies, this is a Public Service Announcement. Do not look at his Facebook.

We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and a man by his profile picture, but we can’t help it. You ruin the attraction the moment you decide to search him and not like what you find. That is why it is best to just avoid the situation altogether. Because let’s face it, the majority of boys suck at social media. They do not know which their better side is, how to position their hips for the most flattering photo angle, or what the perfect filter is. And be thankful for that—if they did know, then they’d be girls.

To be fair, not all boys are bad at Facebook. Say the guy you’re interested in has managed to create a perfectly normal social media presence. That’s great, but still don’t look at his profile. Keep the mystery alive. After looking at his page, you will know way too much about him way too soon, and forget that he never actually told you any of this information himself. The next time you’re walking with him after class, you’ll casually say in conversation:

“So what was it like playing quarterback in high school?”

“Uhh, how did you know I was quarterback?”

“From your 13th profile picture!”

Take it easy, stalker.

As my final note, we must take into account the danger of online backcreeping. This is when you start by innocently looking at his most recent status. Then you have a Facebook blackout and when you come to, you realize you’ve scrolled all of the way back to his pictures from April of last year. Then you think, well as long as I’m looking at this picture, I might as well check what the thirteen comments say. You carelessly move your finger, accidentally grazing the little thumbs up button instead. Congratulations, you just liked a random picture of his from 14 months ago. Even if you unlike it right away, he will still get the notification. It will say, “Jane Doe liked your photo.” But he’ll read, “Jane Doe is a psycho.”