VALLEY’s Guide to Getting Over Your Ex

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Breakups are hard no matter what. Whether it was your decision to breakup or theirs, it won’t necessarily be easy to get over someone who you spent so much time and energy on. When you’re first getting out of a relationship, it can be easy to reject the most basic breakup guidelines, but we’re here to tell you that it’s not a good idea if you want to truly get over your ex.

If you’re going through a breakup now, especially during such a strange and uncertain time, we know it can be hard to get your mind off your ex. Even though you may not be able to go out with your friends to distract yourself, there are so many ways to heal your heartbreak.

No matter what people say, there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to get over a person. It’s important to feel all of the emotions that come with a breakup—but don’t indulge. There are ways to process all of your feelings while avoiding the danger of your ex consuming your life. Here are our favorite tips…

Follow the 30 Day No Contact Rule

Directly after a breakup, it’s extremely important to cut off communication. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never talk to your ex again but taking at least 30 days to process your emotions is extremely important. If you avoid this rule, it’s likely that you could end up in a toxic situation with your ex.

Keep in mind that no contact means no communication whatsoever. Don’t text them, snap them, call them or even comment on their posts. Pretend that you are unable to contact them, at least for the first month. You may be asking yourself what difference this makes, but trust us when we say that it truly helps the process.

Far too many times people neglect this rule and end up in a manipulative or toxic situation. Some people end up getting back together and breaking up over and over if they maintain contact. If you get enough space from your ex, you will have time to process everything and decide what kind of communication you want with them in the future.

Mute Their Socials

Let’s be honest—we’ve all had our FBI agent moments. Social media stalking can be fun, but not when it comes to your ex. Looking at their social media, in general, isn’t a great idea directly after a breakup. This is why muting them, unfollowing or blocking, for the time being, can help you get over them much faster.

Graphic posted by @candymagdotcom on Giphy.com

If you start digging through their socials, it’s likely that you may see something that could hurt you. Even though you may justify this by saying “I would rather know,” it’s never a good idea to rip open healing wounds. Don’t go through their recent followers, don’t look through their twitter and avoid looking at their tagged photos—it isn’t healthy.

Of course, you don’t have to keep them muted, unfollowed or blocked forever. Once you’re past the hardest part of the healing process, you can look at their social media if you feel ready to. Just remember that seeing their posts may bring up unresolved feelings of sadness or anger, so take all the time you need to avoid their social pages.

Keep Your Mind at Bay

Especially if you’re an over-thinker, it’s expected that you may be analyzing every aspect of your previous relationship. STOP IT. There’s nothing you can change now. It’s okay to think about the good times you had together but realize that there are reasons why the two of you broke up.

Avoid what is known as the “white bear effect,” which is mentioned in Psychology Today. If you try not to think about a white bear, it’s likely that it’s exactly what will come to mind. The same thing applies to your ex. Let yourself think about them when they pop into your head, but don’t send yourself into a downward spiral.

Make sure to avoid indulging in thoughts about the conflicts you had with your ex. In all relationships, both people make mistakes. There are always two perspectives and if we’re being honest, it’s likely that you and your ex have two very different perspectives of things, especially about the breakup itself. Know your truth, and don’t beat yourself up for things you cannot change.

Don’t Jump into Anything New

This is an important tip that many people choose to ignore. If you just went through a breakup, remind yourself now that finding someone new won’t act as a bandaid for the hurt you’re experiencing. There’s a common saying that to get over someone you should “get under someone else.” Even if this temporarily makes you feel better, it won’t help you get over someone in the long run. It’s understandable that if you’re coming out of a long relationship it can feel uncomfortable to be single, but this discomfort will help you grow.

Think about it this way—you don’t want the foundation of a new relationship to be built from the shambles of another. You need to be completely over your ex before you can dedicate time to another person. Everyone is ready to move on at different times, but take at least a few months before seriously entertaining another relationship. You need time to evaluate yourself. This means thinking about both your strengths and weaknesses as a significant other.

Objectively evaluating your previous relationship will help you move past it and let it go. If you have regrets from the time spent with your ex, take some time to work on yourself before starting something new. This time will also help you discover what you want and need from a significant other in the future.

In general, it’s important to work on yourself during the process of getting over your ex. If you feel good about yourself, it will stop your mind from wandering to thoughts about your past relationship. Work on your academics or your career, try a new work out regimen or start up a side hustle! All of these things will enrich your life and make you a happier and healthier person. Not only will working on yourself benefit the process of getting over your ex, but it will also benefit your relationships with other people and prepare you to be a better partner in the future.

What helped you get over your ex? Tweet us at @valleymag!

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