The Hill Hypothesis

We’ve all grown up with horror stories of monsters underneath our beds and trolls underneath our bridges. The fear of the unknown living right near us used to scare us into obeying our parents and keep us up at night. However, VALLEY has something to share with you, now that we know you’re of age and can (mostly) handle this confidential information: the Hill Hypothesis is very real.

Before you ask what exactly it is, just know that it is all of your nightmares from childhood re-imagined: underneath State College’s numerous hills is an underground colony of some creatures that we dare not describe. And before you laugh, just know that there is proof all around campus, so beware next time you leave your home.

The History of Happy Valley

Happy Valley was not always called that: in fact, before the establishment of Penn State University, it was a measly town whose terrain very much differs from the one we know of today. The townspeople went about their day in a cycle: waking up, working, eating then sleeping. That was all until the creatures-who-must-not-be-named took note of how easy they were to manipulate, so they overrun the town in a battle lost in the history books.

For the next fifty years, the creatures ruled the civilization and treated any human as their servant. However, one day, as the Nittany Lion came down from the mountains, he noticed how cruel these creatures were and decided that enough was enough. In a second battle that was also lost in the history books despite it being very real, the Nittany Lion demolished the herd of creatures and banished them to the underground.

The Hilly Consequences

The villagers erected Penn State when they began to rebuild their town, and created the Nittany Lion Shrine to give eternal thanks for their protection. Additionally, the humans were not cruel creatures, so they created tunnels throughout campus for the creatures to roam around freely. It was until students began to feel an eerie vibe that the university closed down the tunnels and kept campus fully above ground.

However, recent rumors have said that unrest has begun to build among the creature colony, and they have begun building vertically underground, creating the large hills that we are familiar with on campus. VALLEY believes the epicenter of the civilization is located on Shortlidge Road, with its practically vertical climb making students out-of-breath, and the creature species even more powerful.

Now choose what you want to believe, but don’t say we didn’t warn you. Next time you walk up an incline for your class, we recommend you watch where you step.

What are your thoughts on the Hill Hypothesis? Let @VALLEYmag know on Instagram!