The Five Stages of Online Shopping

OnlineShopping_MeghanTranauskas2It hits you hard and it hits you fast. Before you can even grab your credit card from your wallet, your shopping cart is already full. BOGO, 50% off clearance and new arrivals – it sounds too good to be true. Today is the day you’re going to scratch that annoying itch: you’re going to online shop.

But unfortunately, all decisions have consequences. While expanding your wardrobe is literally the most euphoric feeling on the planet, it can come with some questionable and unprecedented emotional side effects. Check out the inevitable stages everyone goes through while online shopping.


You do not have a problem. You don’t remember the last time you checked your bank statement and was happy with the result, but you don’t have a problem. How else are you supposed to make sure you’re fully clothed? Humans were not meant to be naked, or else we would all have fur on our bodies. Oh, a faux fur vest on clearance? Get it, girl.  


Seriously?! $50 for a pair of BOOTIES? This is why we can’t have nice things. Corporate is just trying to jip college kids out of their money. It’s a conspiracy! The fact that I don’t get free shipping is reason enough to give this up for good. I don’t need you, fancy sneakers. I don’t need you or your adorable friends!


But it is a worthy purchase…right? You definitely need those suede booties. Fall is basically here, what are you supposed to do? Wear sandals? We are not on spring break in Cancun–we have rules here! You’ll just skip out on your daily Irving’s for, like, two weeks. It’s no big deal. 


You are flat broke and it’s entirely your own fault.  The first thoughts of this stage include (but are not limited to):

I shouldn’t be allowed to have a credit card.

My mom is going to be so mad at me when she realizes I spent $200 of her money.

The shoes aren’t even that cute.

I’m going to live in a box forever. (But at least you’ll have your brand new   faux fur vest to keep you warm!)

I bet Kim Kardashian never has this problem. Why can’t I be a Kardashian?

Mom, I’m really mad that we’re not Kardashians.

Hint: This is the part where you need to take a second and come back down to reality.


Well, my card was already charged. It would just be a hassle to return it all. What’s the point without free return labels anyway? And these shoes will last me until February, at least. You know what? I have no regret. I’m contributing to the economy by purchasing these goods. I’m doing a service to America. Long live my closet. Long live my cuteness. Everything is grand, and I look dang good. Until next time, Internet.

What about you, Valley readers? What are some of your biggest online shopping regrets (or lack thereof)? Let us know in the comments!

Photo by Meghan Tranauskas

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