The day was September 25th, 2021 when I realized I was the “other roommate.” It was my second proper football Saturday ever in State College, and I had texted my roommate just 24 hours before, asking if I could go to the game with her. My two roommates and I had become pretty close the previous year, despite our having differing interests. Even though I knew we didn’t always vibe the same way, I was hoping to spend this game with my friends. At this time, they were the only ones I had at Penn State. But alas, the game was about to start and I had not received a text back an entire day later. After the events of the previous few weeks, I knew this could only mean one thing: I wasn’t welcome.
The lenses of my rose-colored glasses shattered as I finally saw the situation for what it was. I thought I had a friend group going into my sophomore year, but I could see now it was one-sided. They didn’t want me in their group. How stupid I felt to have assumed that she wasn’t trying to ditch me at the last game when she most definitely was. This, plus a thousand other instances, made me feel like a blind idiot who couldn’t see the truth right in front of me. Now, I had a long seven months to go before I could move out. And long months they were. That’s why I’m rounding up the best advice I can give to anyone in a similar situation.
1. As much as you want to, don’t take the bait.
I’ve never been someone to shy away from confrontation. In fact, I’m a fan of it (when it’s helpful). But in this situation, I knew it wasn’t going to get me anywhere. Unnecessary confrontation about what had happened was only going to make the situation worse. It has to be one of those times when you take a step back. Whatever it is you’re fighting over, don’t sink to the level of your roommates. You know you’re better than that.
2. You will become a more mature person because of it.
Everyone knows that high school can be rough for a lot of us, especially if you don’t have a solid group of friends. There’s pettiness, exclusion and gossiping. But after all of it, I knew that the next time I dealt with a conflict in my life, I would have the skills to handle it. In the conflict with my roommates, I acted like an adult and I’m proud of myself for doing that. Did I spend hours crying in my room, knowing I would get the stink eye if I went out into the living room? Yes. Am I a better person because of it? Also, yes. Now I have this knowledge of just how painful it feels to be ostracized in that way, and I know not to ever do that to somebody else.
3. Kill them with kindness.
Whenever I have been faced with a crossroads on the best way to proceed in a social situation, I remember my mantra: kill them with kindness. I’ve been on both sides of the equation before. I’ve been the person who has been picked on and I’ve picked on others. Every time I have stood up for myself and walked away from the situation gracefully, I have never regretted it. You can be sure to never make someone feel as bad as they made you think. Preaching and practicing kindness is the best way to go through life.
4. You’re not alone.
With the infinite amount of social media accounts these days, it seems like everyone and their mother is having the time of their lives with their roommates. Not to worry; it’s not every single person on campus. There are plenty of people out there who have roommates they don’t get along with or just don’t really talk to. I wish somebody had told me back then that I wasn’t weird for not getting along with my roommates. It happens, and it’ll be something you can bond over with others if you’re willing to be vulnerable.
5. It’s a blessing in disguise.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day, you’ll look back and be so thankful that they pushed you to find new friends. No matter the situation, having too much friction with somebody just means you’re not right for each other. You’ll mourn the friendships, you’ll move on and you’ll find people who will care about you more than your roommates ever did, as long as you stay open. It’s normal to want to close your heart off to new experiences after your first attempt at making friends in college doesn’t go so well. But trust me, it’ll work itself out. One day, you’ll look back and be thankful.
Do you have any roommate horror stories? Tag us @VALLEYmag on Instagram and let us know!
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