Anyone who tells you they’ve never judged a book by its cover is lying. So many good books have abhorrent covers. Yet, so many truly awful books have interesting covers. We’ve decided to go ahead and judge a couple people by their covers — the clothes they wear. In a broader sense, we took a look at some of the outfits seen here on campus, and created a profile of each of these young men, based solely on their clothing. Now, these are assumptions, so don’t take anything too personally. It’s only what the eye can see.
Outfit: Navy shorts and Nike runners, a Penn State football t-shirt
Generic would probably be the best way to describe him. He doesn’t do very much. His look is tried and true in Penn State blue. He likes the things his friends like, which are just things their other friends like. He doesn’t exactly have any real care for how he looks. I mean, he goes to the gym, but nothing outside of that. When asked to dress up, he wears his Dad’s dress pants and a pair of dress shoes he wore to prom in high school. At the time of this writing, he doesn’t functionally understand what a tailor does. He still thinks facial care products are a feminine thing. His entire personality depends solely upon whether or not Penn State has a home game this weekend.
Outfit: Astroworld hoodie, Nike sweats, Nike runners
Although it has been a full year since Astroworld took the BJC by storm, this young man speaks of the experience as religiously as if it were yesterday. We’re not really sure what his major is. We’re nearly certain we’ve never seen him in a lecture. His goal is not to graduate, but to reach the Barstool Instagram before graduating, because otherwise, this was by and large, a waste of his time. When questioned about where he’s from, he maintains Philly, when he actually never lived remotely close. He only knows three neighborhoods in Philly because he stayed with his cousins there for a month when he was 10. He considers his music tastes as “different” because he enjoys both Gunna AND Tame Impala, albeit one song. And yes. It’s the song you’re thinking of.
Outfit: Blue Button down shirt, Chino shorts, Sperry’s
If anyone were to ask him why exactly he chose this outfit, he would certainly respond, “it works, bro.” We can assure you, it most certainly does not. Studying computer engineering still comes as a surprise to quite literally everyone he knows, mainly because he has never taken the slightest interest in computers or engineering in his entire life. He, in fact, wants the opportunity to get “dressed up” for work. Unsurprisingly, this young man believes $80 is too much for a pair of pants and that American Eagle is a reliable primary clothier. Additionally, his unrepentant love of Silicon Valley has gone a bit far, recently enrolling in the “hackathon” when he does not know how to code in C.
Outfit: Yeezy 350s, Sweatpants from kith, random awful t-shirt from Urban and a Supreme hoodie
He put this on after finishing a PowerPoint for his finance class this morning. He posted a mirror pic to Instagram with three drip emojis. He honestly believes he’s killing the game, but in fact, he is far from it. If the picture doesn’t hit triple digits for likes, he will delete it and likely burn the entire outfit. Throughout the day, he finds himself thinking about fits, down to the inordinate detail. There was this student in his English class wearing cropped double pleats, that sat just above his ankle. His loafers, oxblood and weathered, made an unmistakable tap on the ground with each and every step. He also wore a thicc navy sweater that laid just above his waistline. Our man couldn’t help but think about this student’s outfit for the rest of the day. He felt like something was missing from his life after seeing this. Regardless, this didn’t stop him from getting on Grailed and immediately searching for some Yeezy Season 1, which he intimately refers to as vintage.
Outfit: Vans old skool pros, Dickies pants, a beanie, Independent t-shirt
He studied English. He actually graduated in the spring, and yet, he returns not for a graduate program, but to continue convincing people that he actually finished Infinite Jest, which requires about the same determination. This is one of his favorite uses of time, along with making sure everyone is aware of his having read Joyce and Dostoyevsky. After picking up his French minor, he’s also working on a better Proust translation. That and the skate “scene” on campus. The word scene is used lightly here, because we’re actually just referring to the six total people in State College who own skateboards. Regardless, he tells himself he’s going to write and direct a short film that’s autobiographical with a single degree of separation, aka a name change, hoping it will be received like a modern mid-90s.